Loneliness

Using Sex to Get Love

/ Honey Gilmer

My husband brought up an interesting point last night.  We had attended a class together and the teacher brought up a statistic, saying that in a relationship, men’s #1 need is sex and that it didn’t even register on the top 5 for women!  This morning, my husband asked “If it doesn’t register on the Top 5, why do so many women come into a marriage having “known” so many sexual partners?”

My response was…, “Women use sex to get love and men use love to get sex.” His next question was, “But then it’s a lie… they’re using something that isn’t that important to them in order to get a guy. Then when they get married, they’re not as interested after the first few weeks.” BINGO!

It’s the same scenario as I’ve written about in the past:  With my first husband, I pretended to love the same sports he did (he was my boyfriend at the time). But after a few years of marriage, I would just find a good book to read while he watched his beloved Cowboys. He was actually hurt when he yelled, “DID YOU SEE THAT?” and I looked up from my book and said, “What?” He was furious with me!  And I was furious with him!  How dare he get mad that I was reading a book!  But…  was it really his fault that I had pretended to like the things he liked?  I had never looked at the sex-part as the same scenario. God DID mean for sex to be for marriage and marriages need work in every area, even sex.  After the first 6 months of any relationship, married or unmarried, the endorphins go away and what’s left matters!

Just from my own experience, since my second (and forever) husband did court me, it was definitely a unique experience NOT to use sex necessarily to get a ring on my finger. All of the dating rules changed!  There was no bait & switch.  Neither one of us were annoyed that we’d been tricked!

Example:  He always opened the door for me when we went on a date and he still does, even if we’re just running to the hardware store.  It totally laid down a great foundation for our marriage.

So bottom line?  Be yourself.  Live by the principals you will want to come first in your marriage.

The F-Word

/ Honey Gilmer

I hate sounding like an old fogey…  like my MOM!  Lol  But here I am!  I remember my high school graduation night in 1976.  I was with my best friend.  We were dating guys who were each other’s best friends and we were on our way to meet them.  I can’t  remember the conversation, but I remember saying, “Damn it!”  I gasped and put my hand over my mouth.   I had stunned myself!  My friend was driving and she gasped and looked at me with disbelief.

After that I would use the “D” word sparingly.  Once the abuse in my first marriage started, I would use the “F” word as a warning to him and for myself that I had reached the end of my rope.  If that word came out of my mouth, it wasn’t because I was about to explode, it meant I was in the middle of an explosion!  Was it right? No.  Scripture gives us the following verses (among many more):

  • Colossians 3:8 ESV ‘But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.”
  • Ephesians 4:29 ESV “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
  • Matthew 12:36-37 ESV “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
  • Matthew 15:10-11 ESV “And he called the people to him and said to them, ‘Hear  and understand: it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.'”
  • James 3:10 ESV “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.”
  • James 1:26 ESV  “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.”

To this day, I still struggle with reaching that level of rage and it’s usually when faced with false accusations or something being totally unfair.  I will walk out of the room before allowing myself to use that word.  I do NOT want to lose my witness, especially with loved ones…  and they’re usually the ones we’re the most comfortable around and allow our mouths to run out of control, right?

Today, I hear 12- and 13-year-olds using the “F” word where I wouldn’t have even used the “D” word at the age of 18.  It’s used as an adjective to enhance a verb.  So if the worst word in history is being used in mundane conversation, how do we know when anyone has reached the end of their rope?  When they pull a gun?  When they attempt suicide?

God tells us in his word how He wants His people to talk.  In order to attract a Godly man, mustn’t  our speech reflect our lives?  Shouldn’t our walk be transparent?  If we want people to want what we have found in Christ, shouldn’t our speech be pure? Give it a try for a few hours, a few days, a few months and the rest of your lives.  God expects it and so does your godly man.

Jesus Wept

/ Honey Gilmer

In John 11:33-35, it says:  (33) Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. (34) And He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to Him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ (35) Jesus wept.

The first assumption people jump to is that Jesus was sad because his friend died…  but that doesn’t make sense, does it?

Have you ever had a friend come to you in deep pain and there was little or maybe nothing you could do, but you looked at them through tears; knowing that their pain was so deep that you grieved for them and with them?  I think Jesus wept for the pain of living.  He knew he was bringing Lazarus back, didn’t he?  He understood the pain of those who were living.

He knows your pain, too sister.  Whether you are laying by yourself in a bed and crying, or at a party where everyone’s on a date and you’re smiling and doing your best to enjoy yourself…  He sees you.  He knows what you’re feeling.  Never, ever doubt that.  He loves you that much.

Don’t allow doubt to linger.  You are loved beyond riches.

Sexual Abuse… Guard Your Daughters

/ Honey Gilmer

I just heard some statistics that I’d like to share with the single Moms.

Sexual Abuse Risks state that:

  • For Non-biological married parents (example:  step parents) the chance of a child being sexually abused is 9x the normal risk.
  • For biological parents who are unmarried, the risk is 5x the normal risk.
  • For a single parent (usually the mother) cohabitating with someone, the risk is 20x greater than the normal risk.
  • For a single parent, living alone, the risk is 5 x greater than the normal risk.

For myself, I fell into the first bullet point when I was a child.  My step-father sexually abused me.  So as an unsaved young, single-mom I actually did live with a couple of guys.  My heart stops knowing the risk I put my children in.  Once I accepted Christ and started attending a true, Bible-believing church, I learned very quickly that the best thing I could do for my kids was to stay unmarried until they were out of the house.  I chose to do that and to this day, I’m grateful that I did.  I have no regrets that I was single for almost 19 years.

I go into more detail in my book, which is available on Amazon, among other places.  My first prayer as a born-again Christian was that God take my mistakes and use them; to please not let my pain go to waste.  I’m here to share my mistakes so that at least one person hears.  I’ve taken some virtual punches for my stance on abstaining from sex outside of marriage and I’m willing to take the criticisms and the derogatory remarks because somewhere out there, there may be one woman; one single mother; who needs some direction.  She’s reeling from a divorce or a bad breakup.  I’m here for you and I hear you.

 

God bless all of you, my sisters.  You are loved!

Christmas Alone… Again

/ Honey Gilmer

Coming from a woman who spent many Christmases alone, including not being with my children; one estranged and the other was just wrapped up in her own life…  I know that this can be a trying time.  One year I even went and sat in a bar on Christmas Eve, just to get out of my doldrums.  It doesn’t work. #Godlywomen

So what does work?  Look around.  Do you see one thing you’ve accomplished because God was faithful.   There might even be one or two things.  For me, God enabled me to buy a small, very inexpensive house.  Much of the furniture was bought used, but over the years I was able to buy little things to fix it up…  little “cheap” things, but they were mine; bought with my blood, sweat and tears.

For a few  years I invited my Bible Study over and we’d get through Christmas Eve together and then I’d find another single girlfriend and go see a movie on Christmas Day.  If you’re not involved in a church, this is the perfect time to find one.  If there is a single’s Bible Study, get involved; if there’s not one, talk to the pastor!  Why wait on someone else?  YOU help get one started!  Take God out of the box, He’s not there anyway.  Ask Him what He wants you do.  You have?  He’s not answering?  Do something…  anything until He does tell you.  Do something for Him; i.e., volunteer!  Eventually He’s going to answer.  I promise!

Merry Christmas, my sisters!  Remember how much He loves you.  Know that you are all on my heart and mind this Christmas season.  May God bless you each abundantly.  Stay warm (or if you’re in Texas, chill out), drive safely, call a friend if you need to, and thank God for the small things.

Merry Christmas!

I Hesitate to Post This… Blasphemy

/ Honey Gilmer / 1 Comment

The Christian Post had this article and it breaks my heart!  Seriously…  Sisters, if you are hearing this, remember Isaiah 5:20 says,

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil;
Who [a]substitute darkness for light and light for darkness;
Who [b]substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!”

If you are looking for an excuse to have “blessed sex” outside of marriage, this woman, who calls herself a pastor tries to say it’s OK.  IT IS NOT!  Hear my plea, sisters.  I’m posting this solely to warn you of what to watch for.  This is the Enemy at work

Link to article :  Pastor Who Says Single Christians Can Have ‘Mutually Pleasurable’ Sex Doesn’t See Bible as God’s Infallible Word

Is it Better to Marry Than to Burn with Passion?

/ Honey Gilmer / 8 Comments

In 1 Corinthians 7:9, Paul says, “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

A couple of years ago I was talking to a young woman who was facing divorce.  I made a mistake in talking with her.  I had become so focused on “do it God’s way and everything will be fine,” that I was thrown aback when I asked her, “If you had said no to sex before marriage, would you have married at all?”  Most women pause when I ask them this and say, “No. He would not have stuck around long enough to marry.” Usually they immediately see the flaw in what they’ve just said. Yeah… Now there are kids involved and the marriage still failed.

But this time when I asked the question, her response was, “We didn’t have sex before we married.”  I sat there a bit dismayed and unsure how to go forward.  I’d never run across that predicament before.  My next question was, “Did you rush into marriage in order to have sex?”  She thoughtfully said, “Yeah.  Probably.”

So what does Paul mean when he says it is better to marry than to burn with passion?  How many unhappy marriages are there because this scripture was not taken in the correct context?  Paul isn’t saying, “Hurry up and get married because if you keep flirting with the sexual side of your relationship, you’re probably going to sin.”  Remember, he’s urging people to put serving God first and not desire to be married.  That is the point to the whole message.  Put God first!  If you’re rushing into marriage, are you placing God first?  It may feel like it, but perhaps you’re actually circumventing God.  It’s possible that you’re taking His will out of the equation and rushing to the pastor.

Paul is urging everyone to put God first; to serve Him first.  Even when you are married, God should be the head of the union, yes?  If sex was the sole reason for marrying, then God was definitely left out of the equation.  So yes…  there are some (not many) who married as virgins or abstained from sex during the relationship and still wound up totally disappointed and trapped in an unhappy marriage.

The reason I bring this story to you?  I just want to raise awareness that sex may be the icing on the cake of a good marriage, but it’s not the cake.  What if one of you ends up in a wreck and unable to have sex?  What if one of you has a stroke?  Will the other one stick around?  There’s a good chance that if sex was the driving force behind the marriage… the answer may be no.

Food for thought (no pun intended…)  The icing on the cake is anything extra wonderful that God brings to the marriage.  This is why He HAS to be the head of the union.  His will must be sought daily.  And He loves you enough to sacrifice His life for you.  When you honor Him in your decisions, He will use that and what a joy and an honor to be used by the Creator of the Universe, Abba Father!

Receiving Your Singleness as a Gift

/ Honey Gilmer / 2 Comments

So many times; as single women, moms, teens; we look at our singleness as a jail sentence.  It’s something that has to be struggled through until Mr. Right rescues us.  Right?

But what if this is a season that God has set aside for you to live, to give, sow seeds into the lives of others?  Maybe you have children, parents, grandchildren, neighbors, grandparents that need you right now.  Is there a gift or a talent that God has gifted you with that He’s expecting you to use?

Once we start seeing our singleness as a chance to give, then instead of feeling lonely every time we’re alone, we start seeing our alone time as a God-given gift; a time to shut down and rest.  Will there still be loneliness?  Sure there will.  But we need to give thanks in all things, amen?

Am I making light of the desire to be married?  No, I’m not.  God gave me a message to give to someone today.  You are not in jail.  You have been set aside for a purpose.  He’s working on you.  Use this time wisely.

#GodlyWomen #Dating

Am I a Fuddy-Duddy?

/ Honey Gilmer

Am I a Fuddy Duddy?  The definition of “Fuddy-duddy” in the Meriam-Webster’s dictionary is “ a person with old-fashioned or conservative ideas and attitudes.”

 

I recently sent my book off to have it reviewed by a “professional” reviewer.  First of all, please note that I’m not mad.  I’m very confused and a bit frustrated as there was not ONE criticism of my writing.  He/she gave good comments on the way my views were presented…  Their problem with my book, according to the reviewer, was the subject matter:  sexual intimacy outside of marriage.  Supposedly it was a Christian reviewer…  but they kept saying that it was only my opinion that sex outside of marriage was a sin.

Honestly, I never expected to run into this problem in the Christian publishing world.  It just shows that “the world” is growing stronger.  We MUST pray for our towns, our states, our country and the world’s culture.  As sisters in Christ, I know the readers of the page are (mostly) in agreement with me on this subject or are seeking answers through their heartbreaks.

I wrote this book against my will.  I didn’t want to go to the dark places that are facts in my past life.  I had left them behind.  But…  I LEARNED things through Christ.  My eyes were opened and I was able to see the world as it truly is; I was able to see my sin.  I know that I know that I know sex outside of marriage is wrong.  The reviewer said I was “uncompromising” in my “opinions.”  However, I state that the Bible forms my opinions and my desires.

My #1 desire is to be obedient to God.  My #2 desire is tell others what I’ve learned; to listen to heartaches, to dry tears, to be a shoulder when times are hard.

Am I a fuddy duddy?  I don’t think so.  I’m a Christian.

#GodlyWomen #Singledating #Christianbooks

Another Terror Attack… You are NOT Alone!

/ Honey Gilmer / 2 Comments

I spent many restless nights after watching news of horrible things…  like 911.  I know the anxiety and the longing for someone to just hold me.   It’s in these times that you must reach out to friends and talk.  It is in these times that we hold on to our faith.  We have a father who will never abandon nor forsake us.  That is a promise!

I pass David’s words to his on onto you.  “Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the Lord God, even my God, is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished.”

He is with you.  We are told in over 100 places in the Bible to “fear not” or “be not afraid.”  How do we do that?  I know I was guilty of just letting my mind wander to the worst possible scenario happening.  What would I do if someone broke in my home?  Would I run?  Would I fight?  Would I be hurt?  What if there was a fire?  etc. etc.

But nothing beats prayer and going to our Abba Father, who loves us SO MUCH!  He can calm your fears.  So maybe before going to bed, pick up the Bible and read some Psalms.  Maybe go to sleep listening to Christian music.  Yes, there are so many types of Christian songs…  from pop to hip-hop to gospel to folk to country-western.   Listen to those words and put your faith out of the reach of the world and back into the our Father’s love.  #NiceAttack #GodlyWomen

Amen?